Top Funny Quotes | Funny Quotes About Love, Family and Friendship

TOP FUNNY QUOTES FOR LOUD LAUGHTER

There are 600+ all time best funny quotes for you which will make you laugh out loud. These Funny Quotes are categories by Top Fun and Humor Quotes, Funny Quotes about Friendship, Family, Love, Men, Women, Girls, Worker, Co-Worker and Quotes by Funniest Person Ever. Please click on Table of Contact to view each category easily.

Funny Quotes that will make you laugh loud

QUOTES ABOUT HAVING FUN AND HUMOR FOR HEARTY LAUGH

Friends are like walls, sometimes you lean on them and sometimes it's good just knowing they're there.
Anonymous

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Anonymous

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.
Ethel Barrymore

If people never did silly things nothing intelligent would ever get done.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
Edward de Bono

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein

The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Mark Twain

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
Anonymous

I like nonsense. It wakes up the brain cells.
Dr. Seuss

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.
Alan Alda

Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
Erma Bombeck

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Jerry Seinfeld

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.
G.K. Chesterton

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sharon Stone

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It’s the funniest joke in the world.
George Bernard Shaw

Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keep friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
Greenville Kleisser

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments.
Isaac Asimov

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
James Thurber

Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.
James Thurber

Humor is a universal language.
Joel Goodman

I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
Anonymous

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring.
Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Steven Wright

SEE ALSO:

Love Quotes

Funny Quotes

Friendship Quotes

Life Quotes

Happiness Quotes

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT FRIENDSHIP

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they’d lock us up? All the time.
Wendy Mass

My friends, there are no friends.
Coco Chanel

Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
Otto von Bismarck

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
Harry S. Truman

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
Anonymous

It’s only because of their stupidity that they’re able to be so sure of themselves.
Franz Kafka

In the morning I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the evening I can't eat, I'm thinking of you. In the night I can't sleep.. I'm so hungry!
Anonymous

Love is only chatter, friends are all that matter.
Gelett Burgess

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.
Anonymous

I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this."
Anonymous

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.
Anonymous

Friends are God's ways of apologizing for our families.
Anonymous

As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
Anonymous

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Anonymous

Please cancel my subscriptions to your issues.
Anonymous

Every man can tell how many goats or sheep he possesses, but not how many friends.
Marcus T. Cicero

If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.
Anonymous

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.
Benjamin Franklin

I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.
Anonymous

Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.
Greg Tamblyn

When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess.
Anonymous

If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
Anonymous

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Henny Youngman

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.
Linda Grayson

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.
Sicilian Proverb

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.
Anonymous

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
George Burns

You know what part I like about waking up early? None.. let me go back to sleep.
Anonymous

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Anonymous

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Anonymous

You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you're full of energy and you can't wait to get to work? Me neither!
Anonymous

How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Anonymous

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein

Give me your photo so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.
Anonymous

BEST FUNNY QUOTES

4 out 3 people struggle with math.
Anonymous

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.
Anonymous

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?
Anonymous

That moment when there's a spider on you, and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.
Anonymous

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.
Anonymous

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

A child educated only at school is an uneducated child.
George Santayana

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.
Bill Watterson

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.
Albert Einstein

In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Tom Bodett

Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor.
Abe Lemons

Education can get you the only thing that really matters in today’s world – an assigned parking space.
Gene Perret

It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.
Epictetus

No wonder the teacher knows so much; she has the book.
Edgar Watson

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.
Bill Vaughan

Work hard, nap hard.
Demi Lovato

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn’t stop until you get to school.
Milton Berle

When a teacher calls a boy by his entire name, it means trouble.
Mark Twain

School is learning things you don’t want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn’t know, while working toward a future you don’t know will ever come.
Dave Kellett

The most important thing we learn at school is the fact that the most important things can’t be learned at school.
Haruki Murakami

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.
Bill Watterson

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT WORK AND COWORKERS

Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want.
Phil Pastoret

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
William Castle

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.
Niels Bohr

The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
Scott Adams

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
Phyllis Diller

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
Oscar Wilde

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Carl Zwanzig

Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Anonymous

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.
Leo Durocher

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Scott Adams

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses. Henry Ford

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Stanley Randall

Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.
Anonymous

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
Dave Barry

Like vinegar to the teeth, and smoke to the eyes, so are the lazy to their employers.
Sam Ewing

I’m sorry. I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.
Anonymous

My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5.
Anonymous

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger

My son is now an "entrepreneur." That's what you're called when you don't have a job.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong.
Henry Kissinger

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT FAMILY

Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Goodnight.
Rebecca Romijn

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.
Robert Brault

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can and hold our breath and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.
Michelle Pfeiffer

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns

Don’t yell at your kids! Lean in real close and whisper, it’s much scarier.
Anonymous

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint is not intended.
Robert Frost

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.
Lane Olinghouse

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they are born and start using sleep deprivation to torture you.
Ray Romano

If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange—a circle of sections, held together but separable, each segment distinct.
Letty Cottin Pogrebin

I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing.
Jim Gaffigan

Family faces are magic mirrors. Looking at people who belong to us, we see the past, present, and future.
Gail Lumet Buckley

It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.
Carrie Underwood

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
Judith Martin

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
Nora Ephron

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
Mark Twain

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
Chelsea Handler

The family—that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.
Dodie Smith

My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.
Anonymous

Humans are not proud of their ancestors and rarely invite them round to dinner.
Douglas Adams

Toddler: Emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator with the uncanny ability to know exactly how far to push you towards utter insanity before reverting to a loveable creature.
Anonymous

In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.
Anna Quindlen

I never know what to say when people ask me what my hobbies are. I mean, I’m a mom.
Anonymous

Never judge someone by their relatives.
Charles Martin

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE AND LOVE

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage…it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.
Rodney Dangerfield

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you’re on something.
Fran Lebowitz

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein

I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Rita Rudner

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.
Ray Romano

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. Jackie Mason

My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor. Elayne Boosler

Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Oscar Wilde

A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
Woodrow Wyatt

Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious; both are disappointed.
Oscar Wilde

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT GIRLS AND WOMEN

Eat diamonds for breakfast and shine all day.
Anonymous

My style is simple, kinda girly, but with a bit of an edge.
Erin Heatherton

A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

A wise girl knows her limits; a smart girl knows that she has none.
Marilyn Monroe

The most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different?
Mike Vanatta

Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.
Oscar Wilde

Give a girl the correct footwear and she can conquer the world.
Bette Midler

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make men stupid.
Dave Barry

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

Feminine intuition is a fiction and a fraud. It is nonsensical, illogical, emotional, ridiculous, and practically foolproof.
Harry Haenigsen

When my wife says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space and write a poem on the moon before we go.
Mike Vanatta

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
Milton Berle

I’m a girl. Don’t touch my hair, face, phone, or boyfriend.
Anonymous

A girl should be like a butterfly. Pretty to see, hard to catch.
Anonymous

God made Adam first because he didn’t want any advice from Eve how to make
Adam.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
P. J. O’Rourke

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we would never need solace.
Don Herold

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.
John Mason Brown

Life isn’t perfect but your outfit can be.
Anonymous

A clever girl may pass through the phase of foolish miss on the way to sensible woman.
Mary Lascelles

FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MEN

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Kathy Lette

A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
Duane Dewel

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.
Molly McGee

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Oscar Wilde

Men are like a deck of cards. You’ll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
Laura Swenson

Coffee, chocolate, men. The richer the better!
Anonymous

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
Albert Einstein

A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.
Mae West

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
Brendan Francis

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Men are like a deck of cards. You'll find the occasional king, but most are jacks.
Laura Swenson

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING FROM THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE EVER

ELLEN DEGENERES

According to Wikipedia Ellen Lee DeGeneres (born January 26, 1958) is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, producer, and LGBT activist. She starred in the popular sitcom Ellen from 1994 to 1998 and has hosted her syndicated TV talk show, The Ellen DeGeneres Show, since 2003.

Her stand-up career started in the early 1980s, and included a

1986 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. As a film actress, DeGeneres starred in Mr. Wrong (1996), EDtv (1999), and The Love Letter (1999), and provided the voice of Dory in the Pixar animated films Finding Nemo (2003) and Finding Dory (2016); for Nemo, she was awarded the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress, the first time an actress won a Saturn Award for a voice performance. In 2010, she was a judge on American Idol for its ninth season.

She starred in two television sitcoms, Ellen from 1994 to 1998, and The Ellen Show from 2001 to 2002. During the fourth season of Ellen in 1997, she came out as a lesbian in an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Her character, Ellen Morgan, also came out to a therapist played by Winfrey, and the series went on to explore various LGBT issues, including the coming-out process. This made her the first openly lesbian actress to play an openly lesbian character on television In 2008, she married her longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi.

DeGeneres has hosted the Academy Awards, Grammy Awards, and the Primetime Emmys. She has authored four books and started her own record company, Eleven Eleven, as well as a production company, A Very Good Production. She also launched a lifestyle brand, ED Ellen DeGeneres, which comprises a collection of apparel, accessories, home, baby, and pet items. She has won 30 Emmys, 20 People's Choice Awards (more than any other person, and numerous other awards for her work and charitable efforts. In 2016, she received the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY ELLEN DEGENERES

It is failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.
Ellen DeGeneres

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else’s path unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
Ellen DeGeneres

Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.
Ellen DeGeneres

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.
Ellen DeGeneres

Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer.
Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
Ellen DeGeneres

Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.
Ellen DeGeneres

Find out who you are and be that person. That’s what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.
Ellen DeGeneres

Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. You know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole.
Ellen DeGeneres

The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself.
Ellen DeGeneres

I work really hard at trying to see the big picture and not getting stuck in ego.
Ellen DeGeneres

I think we need more love in the world. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter. I definitely want to contribute to that.
Ellen DeGeneres

Embrace who you are. Literally. Hug yourself. Accept who you are.
Ellen DeGeneres

Do we have to worry about who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?
Ellen DeGeneres

It’s funny how the universe guides you to where you’re meant to be. I wanted to make people happy.
Ellen DeGeneres

I think beauty comes from actually knowing who you are. That’s real beauty to me.
Ellen DeGeneres

BY WILLIAM JAMES MURRAY

According to Wikipedia William James Murray also known as Bill Murray (born September 21, 1950) is an American actor, comedian, and writer.

He first gained exposure on Saturday Night Live, a series of performances that earned him his first Emmy Award, and later starred in comedy films—including Meatballs (1979), Caddyshack (1980), Stripes (1981), Tootsie (1982), Ghostbusters (1984), Scrooged (1988), Ghostbusters II (1989), What About Bob? (1991), and Groundhog Day (1993). He also co-directed Quick Change (1990).

Murray garnered additional critical acclaim later in his career, starring in Lost in Translation (2003), which earned him a Golden Globe and a BAFTA Award for Best Actor, as well as an Oscar nomination for Best Actor, and for frequently collaborating with director Wes Anderson. He also received Golden Globe nominations for his roles in Ghostbusters, Rushmore (1998), Hyde Park on Hudson (2012), St. Vincent (2014), and the HBO miniseries Olive Kitteridge (2014), for which he later won his second Primetime Emmy Award.

Murray received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in 2016. His comedy is known for its deadpan delivery.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY WILLIAM JAMES MURRAY

People are like music. Some speak the truth, and others are just noise.
Bill Murray

Don’t think about your errors or failures, otherwise you’ll never do a thing.
Bill Murray

Nothing prepared me for being this awesome. It’s kind of a shock. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light.
Bill Murray

There’s a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate… up and down your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. So what’s it like to be me? Ask yourself, ‘What’s it like to be me?’ The only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself that’s where home is.

Bill Murray

I live a little bit on the seat of my pants, I try to be alert and available for life to happen to me. We’re in this life, and if you’re not available, the sort of ordinary time goes past and you didn’t live it. But if you’re available, life gets huge. You’re really living it.
Bill Murray

The more relaxed you are, the better you are at everything Click to tweet: the better you are with your loved ones, the better you are with your enemies, the better you are at your job, the better you are with yourself.
Bill Murray

I don’t believe that you can give the same performance every take. It’s physically impossible, so why bother? If you don’t do what is happening at that moment, then it’s not real. Then you’re holding something back.
Bill Murray

A moat can be a pretty good thing. It can be lovely. It keeps rodents away from the castle. It can have fish in it. Even fish that talk. … If you give people access, they take advantage. My phone would ring 75 times in a row. Finally, I would pick it up and say, ‘Who the hell is this?’ ‘Oh, hi! I’m calling from so-and-so’s office…’ What kind of person would ever, ever let the phone ring 75 times? And I guess that’s when I started thinking: I can do without these people.
Bill Murray

It’s hard to be an artist. It’s hard to be anything. It’s hard to be.
Bill Murray

Life is so damn short. For f*ck’s sake, just do what makes you happy.
Bill Murray

It’s extremely powerful to say no; it’s really the most powerful thing to say.
Bill Murray

CHRIS ROCK

According to Wikipedia Christopher Julius Rock III (born February 7, 1965) is an American comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director.

After working as a standup comic and appearing in small film roles, Rock came to wider prominence as a cast member of Saturday Night Live in the early 1990s. He went on to more prominent film appearances, with starring roles in Down to Earth (2001), Head of State (2003), The Longest Yard (2005), the Madagascar film series (2005–2012), Grown Ups (2010), its sequel Grown Ups 2 (2013), Top Five (2014), and a series of acclaimed comedy specials for HBO. He developed, wrote, and narrated the sitcom Everybody Hates Chris (2005–2009), which was based on his early life.

Rock hosted the 77th Academy Awards in 2005 and the 88th in 2016. He has won four Emmy Awards and three Grammy Awards. He was voted the fifth-greatest stand-up comedian in a poll conducted by Comedy Central. He was also voted in the United Kingdom as the ninth-greatest stand-up comic on Channel 4's 100 Greatest Stand-Ups in 2007, and again in the updated 2010 list as the eighth-greatest stand-up comic.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY CHRIS ROCK

There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Chris Rock

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Chris Rock

Funny Quotes about Women, Funny Quotes by Chris Rock

If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.
Chris Rock

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
Chris Rock

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you’re ahead of the game.
Chris Rock

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Chris Rock

What the f**k do women want? I know what you want: everything.
Chris Rock

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.
Chris Rock

You can only offend me if you mean something to me.
Chris Rock

DAVE CHAPPELLE

According to Wikipedia David Khari Webber Chappelle (born August 24, 1973) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and producer. After beginning his film career in 1993 as Ahchoo in Mel Brooks' Robin Hood: Men in Tights, he landed supporting roles in box office hits including The Nutty Professor, Con Air, You've Got Mail, Blue Streak and Undercover Brother. His first lead role was in the 1998 comedy film Half Baked, which he co-wrote with Neal Brennan. Chappelle also starred in the ABC TV series Buddies. His comedy focuses on racism, relationship problems, social problems, politics, current events, and pop culture.

In 2003, Chappelle became more widely known for his sketch comedy television series, Chappelle's Show, also co-written with Brennan, which ran until his retirement from the show two years later. After leaving the show, Chappelle returned to performing stand-up comedy across the U.S. By 2006, Chappelle was called the "comic genius of America" by Esquire and, in 2013, "the best" by a Billboard writer. In 2017, Rolling Stone ranked him No. 9 in their "50 Best Stand Up Comics of All Time."

In 2016, he signed a $20 million-per-release comedy-special deal with Netflix and in 2017, he produced and they released four of his specials in one year.

Chappelle received his first Emmy Award in 2017 for his guest appearance on Saturday Night Live.In 2018, he received a Grammy Award for his Netflix specials The Age of Spin & Deep in the Heart of Texas. "Equanimity," his Netflix special, was nominated in 2018 for three Emmys and received the award for Outstanding Variety Special.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY DAVE CHAPPELLE

They say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug?
Dave Chappelle

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
Dave Chappelle

Fame for me is like a place, a country I’m taking a tour through.
Dave Chappelle

EDDIE MURPHY

According to Wikipedia Edward Regan Murphy (born April 3, 1961)[2] is an American comedian, actor, writer, singer, and producer. Murphy was a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1980 to 1984. He has worked as a stand-up comedian and was ranked #10 on Comedy Central's list of the 100 Greatest Stand-ups of All Time.

In films, Murphy has received Golden Globe Award nominations

for his performances in 48 Hrs. the Beverly Hills Cop series, Trading Places, and The Nutty Professor. In 2007, he won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actor and received a nomination for the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of soul singer James "Thunder" Early in Dream girls.

Murphy's work as a voice actor in films includes Thurgood Stubbs in The PJs, Donkey in DreamWorks' Shrek series, and the Chinese dragon Mushu in Disney's Mulan. In some films, he plays multiple roles in addition to his main character, intended as a tribute to one of his idols Peter Sellers, who played multiple roles in Dr. Strangelove and elsewhere. He has played multiple roles in Coming to America, Wes Craven's Vampire in Brooklyn, the Nutty Professor films (where he played the title role in two incarnations, plus his character's father, brother, mother, and grandmother), Bow finger, The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Norbit, and Meet Dave. As of 2014, Murphy's films have grossed over $3.8 billion in the United States and Canada box office and $6.6 billion worldwide. In 2015, his films made him the sixth-highest grossing actor in the United States.

In 2015, Murphy was awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor by the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY EDDIE MURPHY

The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone’s advice.
Eddie Murphy

White people can’t dance. I’m not being racist; it’s true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it’s not racist; it’s true. Black people have big lips, white people can’t dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, “What are those niggers doing in here?” They watchin’ y’all dance. And they’re like, “Look at these crazy muthaf***as.” Y’all be stepping on people’s feet and hitting one another.
Eddie Murphy

Mick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”.
Eddie Murphy

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
Eddie Murphy

If you have a flop movie, so what? And if you have a hit movie, it’s ‘so what,’ too – it’s on to the next movie.
Eddie Murphy

Mick Jigger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”.
Eddie Murphy

GEORGE CARLIN

According to Wikipedia George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic.

Carlin was noted for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He and his "seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics; one newspaper called Carlin "the dean of counterculture comedians".[1] In April 2004, he placed second on the Comedy Central list of "Top 10 Comedians of US Audiences".

The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, Carlin's routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final HBO special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY GEORGE CARLIN

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
George Carlin

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat.
George Carlin

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
George Carlin

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
George Carlin

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read, teach them to question everything.
George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
George Carlin

We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that.
George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
George Carlin

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
George Carlin

GROUCHO MARX

According to Wikipedia Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He was known as a master of quick wit and is widely considered one of America's greatest comedians.

He made 13 feature films with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, most notably as the host of the radio and television game show You Bet Your Life.

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, glasses, cigar, and a thick greasepaint mustache and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the world's most recognizable and ubiquitous novelty disguises, known as Groucho glasses: a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, a large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY GROUCHO MARX

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men – the other 999 follow women.
Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Groucho Marx

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.
Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.
Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Groucho Marx

I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that.
Groucho Marx

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
Groucho Marx

JERRY SEINFELD

According to Wikipedia Jerome Allen Seinfeld (born April 29, 1954) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He is known for playing himself in the sitcom Seinfeld, which he created and wrote with Larry David. As a stand-up comedian, Seinfeld specializes in observational comedy; in 2005, Comedy Central named Seinfeld the "12th Greatest Stand-up Comedian of All Time." Seinfeld produced, co-wrote and starred in the 2007 film Bee Movie. In 2010, he premiered a reality series called The Marriage Ref, which aired for two seasons on NBC. He is the creator and host of the web series Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY JERRY SEINFELD

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like a blender, but you don’t have any top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Jerry Seinfeld

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
Jerry Seinfeld

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out’.
Jerry Seinfeld

JIM CARREY

According to Wikipedia James Eugene Carrey (born January 17, 1962) is a Canadian-American actor, comedian, impressionist, screenwriter, musician, producer and painter. He is known for his energetic slapstick performances.

Carrey first gained recognition in America in 1990 after landing a recurring role in the sketch comedy television series In Living Color. His first leading roles in major productions came with Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994), Dumb and Dumber (1994), The Mask (1994), and Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995), as well as a supporting role in Batman Forever (1995) and a lead role in Liar Liar (1997). He gained critical acclaim starring in serious roles in The Truman Show (1998) and Man on the Moon (1999), with each garnering him a Golden Globe Award for Best Actor.

In the 2000s, he gained further popularity for his portrayal of the Grinch in How the Grinch Stole Christmas and for the comedy Me, Myself & Irene (both in 2000), as well as Bruce Almighty (2003), Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) for which he was nominated for the BAFTA Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004), Fun with Dick and Jane (2005), Yes Man (2008), Horton Hears a Who! (2008) and A Christmas Carol (2009).

In the 2010s, he has starred in Mr. Popper's Penguins (2011) and The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013), Kick-Ass 2 (2013) and reprised his role as Lloyd Christmas in Dumb and Dumber To (2014).

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY JIM CARREY

I don’t want to be a vampire. I’m a day person.
Jim Carrey

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
Jim Carrey

Behing every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim Carrey

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
Jim Carrey

You know the trouble with real life? There’s no danger music.
Jim Carrey

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.
Jim Carrey

I can tell you that the effect you have on others is the most valuable currency there is.
Jim Carrey

My soul is not contained within the limits of my body. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.
Jim Carrey

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what’s left?
Jim Carrey

Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world.
Jim Carrey

Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them.
Jim Carrey

Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything.
Jim Carrey

JIMMY FALLON

According to Wikipedia James Thomas Fallon (born September 19, 1974) is an American comedian, actor, television host, singer, writer, and producer. He is known for his work in television as a cast member on Saturday Night Live and as the host of late-night talk show The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon and before that Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. He grew up with an interest in comedy and music, moving to Los Angeles at 21 to pursue opportunities in stand-up comedy.

He was commissioned to join NBC's Saturday Night Live as a cast member in 1998, fulfilling a lifelong dream. Fallon remained on SNL for six years between 1998 and 2004, co-hosting the program's Weekend Update segment and becoming a celebrity in the process. He left the program for the film industry, starring in films such as Taxi (2004) and Fever Pitch (2005).

Following his film career, Fallon returned to television as the host of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon on NBC in 2009, where he became well known for his emphasis on music and games. He moved from that program to become the sixth permanent host of the long-running The Tonight Show in 2014. In addition to his television work, Fallon has released two comedy albums and five books.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY JIMMY FALLON

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.
Jimmy Fallon

The one thing you shouldn’t do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.
Jimmy Fallon

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That’s encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I’ve got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.
Jimmy Fallon

If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.
Jimmy Fallon

I’m going to North Pole to help out Santa this year.
Jimmy Fallon

I want to be a dad. That’s floating to the top of my list. I think it’s such an important thing. I’m at the age where everyone has kids, and I ask them, ‘Is it like a puppy?’ And they go, ‘It’s 10 times a puppy.’
Jimmy Fallon

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.
Jimmy Fallon

I don’t even read the papers. I read ‘USA Today’ because it has color photos.
Jimmy Fallon

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I’m like ‘You know, maybe I shouldn’t be a Priest.’
Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it’s just like the iPhone except it can’t make calls. So basically, it’s just like the iPhone.
Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.
Jimmy Fallon

Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.
Jimmy Fallon

I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.
Jimmy Fallon

Have fun’ is my message. Be silly. You’re allowed to be silly. There’s nothing wrong with it.
Jimmy Fallon

I don’t like to kick people when they’re down. I like to kick people when they’re up.
Jimmy Fallon

JON STEWART

According to Wikipedia Jon Stewart (born Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz; November 28, 1962) is an American comedian, writer, producer, director, political commentator, actor, and television host. He hosted The Daily Show, a satirical news program on Comedy Central, from 1999 to 2015.

Stewart started as a stand-up comedian but branched into television as host of Short Attention Span Theater for Comedy Central. He went on to host The Jon Stewart Show and then You Wrote It, You Watch It, both on MTV. Stewart has also had several film roles as an actor but did few cinematic projects after becoming host of The Daily Show in 1999. He was also a writer and co-executive producer of the show. After Stewart joined, The Daily Show steadily gained popularity and critical acclaim, and during his tenure, The Daily Show won 22 Primetime Emmy Awards.

Stewart is known as an outspoken, humorous critic of personality-driven media shows, in particular those of the U.S. media networks such as CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC. Critics say Stewart benefits from a double standard: he critiques other news shows from the safe, removed position of his "news satire" desk. Stewart agrees, saying that neither his show nor Comedy Central purport to be anything other than satire and comedy.[citation needed] In spite of its self-professed entertainment mandate, The Daily Show has been nominated for news and journalism awards among its accolades. Stewart hosted the 78th and 80th Academy Awards. He is the co-author of America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction, which was one of the best-selling books in the U.S. in 2004, and Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race, released in 2010.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY JON STEWART

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
Jon Stewart

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
Jon Stewart

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.
Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart

If ‘con’ is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just f*cking blow your mind!?
Jon Stewart

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
Jon Stewart

It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.
Jon Stewart

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age.
Jon Stewart

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.
Jon Stewart

If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values” they’re hobbies.
Jon Stewart

If we amplify everything we hear nothing.
Jon Stewart

Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.
Jon Stewart

KEVIN HART

According to Wikipedia Kevin Darnell Hart (born July 6, 1979) is an American comedian, actor and television host. Born and raised in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Hart began his career by winning several amateur comedy competitions at clubs throughout New England, culminating in his first real break in 2001 when he was cast by Judd Apatow for a recurring role on the TV series Undeclared. The series lasted only one season, but he soon landed other roles in films such as Paper Soldiers (2002), Scary Movie 3 (2003), Soul Plane (2004), In the Mix (2005), and Little Fockers (2010).

Hart's comedic reputation continued to grow with the release of

his first stand-up album, I'm a Grown Little Man (2008), and performances in the films Think Like a Man (2012), Grudge Match (2013), Ride Along (2014) and its sequel Ride Along 2 (2016), About Last Night (2014), Get Hard (2015), Central Intelligence (2016), The Secret Life of Pets (2016), Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie and Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle (both 2017).

He also released four more comedy albums, Seriously Funny in 2010, Laugh at My Pain in 2011, Let Me Explain in 2013, and What Now? in 2016. In 2015, Time Magazine named Hart one of the 100 most influential people in the world on the annual Time 100 list. He starred as himself in the lead role of Real Husbands of Hollywood.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY KEVIN HART

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like ! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato.
Kevin Hart

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.
Kevin Hart

Marriage is a 24 hour job. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. You can’t do nothing by yourself when you get married. Everything is a team effort. ‘Us’, ‘we’, ‘let’s’, honey, come on partner. You can’t do nothing by yourself. Kevin: Baby I’m gonna be right back I’m going to the store. Wife: Well, wait, let me get my coat. Kevin: Bit__, it’s right there on the corner. I just wanna get some chips. I ain’t going to sleep with nobody.
Kevin Hart

These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask.
Kevin Hart

Some sarcasm is best told simply.
Kevin Hart

First off, my kids know I’m a big deal.
Kevin Hart

If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question.
Kevin Hart

All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that.
Kevin Hart

But at times, life is random if not downright stupid.
Kevin Hart

Laughter heals all wounds, and that’s one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you’re going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing.
Kevin Hart

LOUIS C.K.

According to Wikipedia Louis Székely (born September 12, 1967), better known by his stage name Louis C.K. is an American-Mexican stand-up comedian, writer, actor, and filmmaker. He is known for his use of observational, self-deprecating, dark, and shock humor. In 2012, C.K. won a Peabody Award and has received six Prime time Emmy Awards, as well as numerous awards for The Chris Rock Show, Louie, and his stand-up specials Live at the Beacon Theater (2011) and Oh My God (2013).

He has won the Grammy Award for Best Comedy Album twice. Rolling Stone ranked C.K.'s stand-up special Shameless number three on their "Divine Comedy: 25 Best Stand-Up Specials and Movies of All Time" list and ranked him fourth on its 2017 list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY LOUIS C.K.

Don’t text or twitter during the show. Just live your life. Don’t keep telling people what you’re doing. Also it lights up your big dumb face.
Louis C.K.

Boys fuck things up. Girls are fucked up.
Louis C.K.

Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone.
Louis C.K.

“F**k it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “F**k it.”
Louis C.K.

I definitely look at my body and I go ‘yuck’.
Louis C.K.

There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.
Louis C.K.

Of course, if you are fighting for your country and get shot or hurt, it is a terrible tragedy. But maybe, if you get shot by the dude you were shooting at, it’s a tiny bit your fault.
Louis C.K.

Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
Louis C.K.

Here’s how my brain works: it’s stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
Louis C.K.

‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of.
Louis C.K.

It’s a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
Louis C.K.

RICKY GERVAIS

According to Wikipedia Ricky Dene Gervais (born 25 June 1961) is an English stand-up comedian, actor, writer, producer, director and singer.

Gervais worked initially in the music industry, attempting a career

as a pop star in the 1980s as the singer of the new wave act Seona Dancing and working as the manager of the then-unknown band Suede before turning to comedy. Gervais appeared on The 11 O'Clock Show on Channel 4 between 1998 and 2000. In 2000, he was given a Channel 4 talk show, Meet Ricky Gervais, and then achieved greater mainstream fame a year later with his BBC television series The Office. It was followed by Extras in 2005. He co-wrote and co-directed both series with Stephen Merchant. In addition to writing and directing the shows, he played the lead roles of David Brent in The Office and Andy Millman in Extras. He reprised his role as Brent in the comedy film Life on the Road.

Gervais began his stand-up career in the late 1990s. He has performed five multi-national stand-up comedy tours, and wrote the Flanimals book series. Gervais, Merchant and Karl Pilkington created the podcast, The Ricky Gervais Show, which has spawned various spin-offs starring Pilkington and produced by Gervais and Merchant.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY RICKY GERVAIS

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most.
Ricky Gervais

Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.
Ricky Gervais

You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway.
Ricky Gervais

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.
Ricky Gervais

The best advice I’ve ever received is, ‘No one else knows what they’re doing either’.
Ricky Gervais

If you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes? What’s the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.
Ricky Gervais

Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs.
Ricky Gervais

Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
Ricky Gervais

Mondays are fine. It’s your life that sucks.
Ricky Gervais

That’s the other thing I learned that day, that the truth, however shocking or uncomfortable, in the end leads to liberation and dignity.
Ricky Gervais

Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got.
Ricky Gervais

It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.
Ricky Gervais

You found it offensive? I found it funny. That’s why I’m happier than you.
Ricky Gervais

No one wants to see cool people doing brilliantly. I want to see the struggle. That’s the fun bit.
Ricky Gervais

You should bring something into the world that wasn’t in the world before. It doesn’t matter what that is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a table or a film or gardening – everyone should create. You should do something, then sit back and say, “I did that”.
Ricky Gervais

Never confuse your right to say what you believe with a right to never be disagreed with and ridiculed for saying what you believe.
Ricky Gervais

Being on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.
Ricky Gervais

People who criticize you have usually never achieved anywhere near what you have. Most of them would be too scared to even try. Keep going.
Ricky Gervais

If you spend your days doing what you love, it is impossible to fail.
Ricky Gervais

ROBIN WILLIAMS

According to Wikipedia Robin McLaurin Williams (July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014) was an American actor and comedian. Born in Chicago, Williams began performing stand-up comedy in San Francisco and Los Angeles in the mid-1970s, and is credited with leading San Francisco's comedy renaissance. After rising to fame playing the alien Mork in the sitcom Mork & Mindy, Williams established a career in both stand-up comedy and feature film acting. He was known for his improvisation skills and the wide variety of memorable character voices he created.

Williams was nominated four times for the Academy Awards, winning once as Best Supporting Actor for his performance as psychologist Sean Maguire in Good Will Hunting. He also received two Primetime Emmy Awards, seven Golden Globe Awards, two Screen Actors Guild Awards, and four Grammy Awards. On August 11, 2014, Williams committed suicide in his Paradise Cay, California home at the age of 63.[6] His wife attributed his suicide to his struggle with Lewy body disease.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY ROBIN WILLIAMS

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Robin Williams

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
Robin Williams

If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

The only weapon we have is comedy.
Robin Williams

Ah, yes, divorce… from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Robin Williams

Please, don’t worry so much… Because in the end none of us have very long on this earth.
Robin Williams

I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy.
Robin Williams

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.
Robin Williams

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.
Robin Williams

Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.
Robin Williams

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.
Robin Williams

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Robin Williams

RYAN REYNOLDS

According to Wikipedia Ryan Rodney Reynolds (born 23 October 1976) is a Canadian-American actor, film producer and screenwriter.
He began his career starring in the Canadian teen soap opera

Hillside and had minor roles before landing the role of Michael Bergen on the sitcom Two Guys and a Girl between 1998 and 2001. Reynolds then starred in a range of films, including comedies such as National Lampoon's Van Wilder, Waiting..., and The Proposal. He also performed in dramatic roles in Buried, Woman in Gold, and Life, and starred in action films such as Blade: Trinity, Green Lantern, and Safe House.

In 2016, he starred as the title character in Deadpool. The film received critical and commercial acclaim and set numerous records at the time of its release for an R-rated comedy. For his performance, Reynolds received numerous accolades, including nominations for the Critics' Choice Movie Awards and the Golden Globe Awards. He reprised the role in Deadpool 2, which he also co-wrote.

Reynolds was named People's Sexiest Man Alive in 2010 and was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2017. He is married to actress Blake Lively, with whom he has two daughters.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY RYAN REYNOLDS

Anyone know the number to 911?
Ryan Reynolds

What would you say to your barber? I’m really protective of my penis. Which haircut will make sure it never meets anyone?
Ryan Reynolds

Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.
Ryan Reynolds

Airplane toilets are aggressive. It wasn’t until I got back to my seat that I noticed my pants and testicles were missing.
Ryan Reynolds

Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you’ve been fucked to death by a thousand pillows.
Ryan Reynolds

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.
Ryan Reynolds

We’re not kissing. We’re feeding each other like baby birds.
Ryan Reynolds

If you find me, please let me know where the hell I’ve been.
Ryan Reynolds

STEPHEN COLBERT

According to Wikipedia Stephen Tyrone Colbert (born May 13, 1964) is an American comedian, writer, producer, actor, and television host. He is best known for hosting the satirical Comedy Central program The Colbert Report from 2005 to 2014 and the CBS talk program The Late Show with Stephen Colbert beginning in September 2015.

Colbert's work as a correspondent on Comedy Central's news-parody series The Daily Show gained him wide recognition. In 2005, he left The Daily Show to host The Colbert Report. Following The Daily Show's news-parody concept, The Colbert Report was a parody of personality-driven political opinion shows including The O'Reilly Factor, in which he portrayed a caricatured version of conservative political pundits. The series became one of Comedy Central's highest-rated series, earning Colbert an invitation to perform as featured entertainer at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner in 2006. After ending The Colbert Report, he was hired in 2015 to succeed retiring David Letterman as host of the Late Show on CBS. He hosted the 69th Primetime Emmy Awards in September 2017.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY STEPHEN COLBERT

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
Stephen Colbert

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.
Stephen Colbert

The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
Stephen Colbert

Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit on stupidity.
Stephen Colbert

Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
Stephen Colbert

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Stephen Colbert

The more you know, the sadder you get.
Stephen Colbert

There’s an old saying about those who forget history. I don’t remember it, but it’s good.
Stephen Colbert

If I had a dime for every time that I was wrong, I’d be broke.
Stephen Colbert

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ’Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.’
Stephen Colbert

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes… Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it.
Stephen Colbert

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday – no matter what happened Tuesday.
Stephen Colbert

Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise.
Stephen Colbert

Happiness can be really facile – To be with my wife and children, would be the deepest joy.
Stephen Colbert

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.
Stephen Colbert

I always recommend people get in trouble. Commit yourself to an open mike night or write something and say you’re going to read it in public, but get in trouble. You’re never going to learn until you fail. … You have to go out there and figure out what you can do and can’t do.
Stephen Colbert

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you’re laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
Stephen Colbert

Cynics always say no. But saying ‘yes’ begins things. Saying ‘yes’ is how things grow. Saying ‘yes’ leads to knowledge. ‘Yes’ is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say ‘yes.’
Stephen Colbert

STEVE MARTIN

According to Wikipedia Stephen Glenn Martin (born August 14, 1945) is an American actor, comedian, writer, producer, playwright, author, and musician. Martin came to public notice in the 1960s as a writer for The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, and later as a frequent guest on The Tonight Show. In the 1970s, Martin performed his offbeat, absurdist comedy routines before packed houses on national tours. Since the 1980s, having

branched away from comedy, Martin has become a successful actor, as well as an author, playwright, pianist, and banjo player, eventually earning him an Emmy, Grammy, and American Comedy awards, among other honors.

In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Martin at sixth place in a list of

the 100 greatest stand-up comics. He was awarded an Honorary Academy Award at the Academy's 5th Annual Governors Awards in 2013.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY STEVE MARTIN

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Steve Martin

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Steve Martin

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.
Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Steve Martin

We’ve had some fun tonight…considering we’re all gonna die someday.
Steve Martin

You know what your problem is, it’s that you haven’t seen enough movies – all of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.
Steve Martin

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Steve Martin

Be so good they can’t ignore you.
Steve Martin

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Steve Martin

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin

TINA FEY

According to Wikipedia Elizabeth Stamatina "Tina" Fey (born May 18, 1970) is an American actress, comedian, writer, producer, and playwright. She is best known for her work on the NBC sketch comedy series Saturday Night Live (1997–2006) and for creating the acclaimed comedy series 30 Rock (2006–2013) and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015–present). Fey is also known for her work in film, with starring roles in Baby Mama (2008), Date Night (2010), Megamind (2010), Muppets Most Wanted (2014), Sisters (2015), and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot (2016).

Fey has received nine Prime time Emmy Awards, three Golden Globe Awards, five Screen Actors Guild Awards, and seven Writers Guild of America Awards. In 2008, the Associated Press gave Fey the AP Entertainer of the Year award for her Sarah Palin impression on SNL.[3] In 2010, Fey was awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, becoming the youngest-ever recipient of the award.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY TINA FEY

I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
Tina Fey

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
Tina Fey

Blorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum. I have been Blorft every day for the past seven years.
Tina Fey

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Tina Fey

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
Tina Fey

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.
Tina Fey

What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.
Tina Fey

It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
Tina Fey

Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward.
Tina Fey

WILL FERRELL

According to Wikipedia John William Ferrell (born July 16, 1967) is an American actor, comedian, producer, writer, and a part-owner of Los Angeles FC . He first established himself in the mid-1990s as a cast member on the NBC sketch comedy show Saturday Night Live, and has subsequently starred in comedy films such as Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004), Talladega Nights (2006), Step Brothers (2008), The Other Guys (2010) and Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013), all but one of which he co-wrote with his comedy partner Adam McKay. The two also founded the comedy website Funny or Die in 2007. Other film roles include Elf, Old School (both 2003), Blades of Glory (2007), the animated films Megamind (2010) and The Lego Movie (2014), and Daddy's Home (2015).

Ferrell is considered a member of the "Frat Pack", a generation of leading Hollywood comic actors who emerged in the late 1990s and the 2000s, including Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Steve Carell, Vince Vaughn, and brothers Owen and Luke Wilson. He received an Emmy Award nomination for his work on Saturday Night Live, and two Golden Globe Award nominations for The Producers (2005) and Stranger than Fiction (2006). He was also named the best comedian of 2015 in the British GQ Men of the Year awards. Ferrell received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on March 24, 2015.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY WILL FERRELL

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
Will Ferrell

As the wise man once said, ‘So?’.
Will Ferrell

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Will Ferrell

Aren’t we all striving to be overpaid for what we do?
Will Ferrell

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know.
Will Ferrell

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
Will Ferrell

Facebook: What’s on your mind? Twitter: What’s happening? Myspace: Where did everybody go?
Will Ferrell

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
Will Ferrell

Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
Will Ferrell

WOODY ALLEN

According to Wikipedia Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades. He began his career as a comedy writer in the 1950s, writing jokes and scripts for television and publishing several books of short humor pieces. In the early 1960s, Allen began performing as a stand-up comedian, emphasizing monologues rather than traditional jokes. As a comedian, he developed the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish, which he maintains is quite different from his real-life personality. In 2004, Comedy Central ranked Allen fourth on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen as the third-greatest comedian.

Allen has received many accolades and honors throughout his

career. He has won four Academy Awards: three for Best Original Screenplay and one for Best Director. He also garnered nine British Academy Film Awards. His screenplay for Annie Hall was named the funniest screenplay by the Writers Guild of America in its list of the "101 Funniest Screenplays". In 2011, PBS televised the film biography Woody Allen: A Documentary on the American Masters TV series.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY WOODY ALLEN

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
Woody Allen

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
Woody Allen

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

According to Wikipedia Zachary Knight Galifianakis (born October 1, 1969)[3] is an American actor, comedian and writer who came to prominence with his Comedy Central Presents special in 2001 and presented his own show called Late World with Zach on VH1 the following year. He has also starred in films, such as The Hangover trilogy (2009–2013), Due Date (2010), The Campaign (2012), Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014), Masterminds (2016) and The Lego Batman Movie (2017).

Galifianakis is the host of the Emmy Award-winning talk show Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis on the Funny or Die website. He currently stars in the FX series Baskets.

FUNNY QUOTES AND WISE SAYING BY ZACH GALIFIANAKIS

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis

I think those neighborhood signs that say ‘slow children playing’ are so very mean.
Zach Galifianakis

I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.
Zach Galifianakis

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.
Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron…and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
Zach Galifianakis

I like to read the Bible in public places so people are watching me read it. I like just to murmur out to myself, ‘Oh bullshit’.
Zach Galifianakis

I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, ‘Dude, Where’s My Spaceship.’
Zach Galifianakis

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
Zach Galifianakis

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Zach Galifianakis