125 SHORT FUNNY QUOTES WHICH ARE EASY TO READ AND REMEMBER

EASY AND SHORT FUNNY QUOTES

 Collection of Short Funny Quotes by Famous Authors and Anonymous are given here which are easy to remember. My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. 

The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.
Anonymous

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. Fred Allen

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Steven Wright

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Love Quotes

Funny Quotes

Friendship Quotes

Life Quotes

Happiness Quotes

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers. Jimmy Carter

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. Mark Twain

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde

I love my six pack so much, I protect is with a layer of fat. 

Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Anonymous

Never let your best friends get lonely... keep disturbing them.
Anonymous

Short Funny Quotes. Photo

Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
Anonymous

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
Anonymous

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Jerry Seinfeld

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Anonymous

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday

I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.
Anonymous

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Anonymous

Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.
Laurell K. Hamilton

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Mark Twain



A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. 

Winston S. Churchill

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Cathy Guisewite

Accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer...
Ellen DeGeneres

I am not lazy, I am on energy saving mode.
Anonymous

Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?
Anonymous

We are going to be best friends forever... besides you already know too much.
Anonymous

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste
Anonymous

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Bill Murray

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
Anonymous

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
Will Rogers

I have always noticed that people will never laugh at anything that is not based on truth.
Will Rogers

Short Funny Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield

That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
George Carlin

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Anonymous

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Lawrence Ferlinghetti

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
George Bernard Shaw

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.
Golda Meir

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
Anonymous

If you're hotter than me, then that means I'm cooler than you.
Anonymous

It's funny how nobody notices all the good things you do until you don't do them.
Anonymous

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Paul Fix

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
Joan Rivers

I’m addicted to placebos.
Steven Wright

When nothing is going right, go left.
Anonymous

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg

Don’t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Anonymous

What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?
Anonymous

Puns are the highest form of literature.
Alfred Hitchcock

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard

All generalizations are false, including this one.
Mark Twain

What’s another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

Finally my winter fat is done. Now I have spring rolls.
Anonymous

Sometimes I want to go back in time and punch myself in the face.
Anonymous

My brain has too many tabs open.
Anonymous

I don’t even believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in 5 minutes.
Anonymous

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
Anonymous

Is ‘ugh’ an emotion? Because I fell it all the time
Anonymous

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
Anonymous

Fries or salad? sums up every adult decision you have to make.
Aparna Nancherla

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge.
Anonymous

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Anonymous

I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode.
Anonymous

I just want my stomach to be as flat as my ass.
Anonymous

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg

Reality continues to ruin my life.
Bill Watterson

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller

Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Will Rogers

My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.
Anonymous

I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Anonymous

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it’s like a circus in my head.
Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.
Steven Wright

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny

I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
Danny Zuker

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
Anonymous

I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
Anonymous

Sane is boring.
R.A. Salvatore

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
Anonymous

I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso

Friends are like rainbows, always there to cheer you up after a storm.
Anonymous

In this horrible time, let us at least be bolstered by small miracles like finding out your ex moved to a different city.
Aparna Nancherla

You’re welcome to come here, except my beds from Ikea so it’s more unstable than i am
Anonymous

Men cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
James A. Garfield

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
Beth McCollister

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Rodney Dangerfield


Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize. 
Anonymous

Short Funny Quotes

You want to know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again.
Anonymous

I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
Pablo Picasso

How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
Anonymous

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Abraham Lincoln

You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright

True friends don't judge each other, they judge other people... together.
Anonymous

Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years
Anonymous

What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Anonymous

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright

Am I perfect? No. But am I striving to be a better person every day? Also no.
Anonymous

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too
Anonymous

As your best friend I'll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.
Anonymous

I don't think inside the box and I don't think outside the box... I don't even know where the box is.
Anonymous

You come into the world with nothing, and the purpose of your life is to make something out of nothing.
Henry Louis Mencken

My best friends are like fairy tales, they've been there since once upon a time and will be there until forever after.
Anonymous

Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
Anonymous

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Anonymous

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
Anonymous

Everything happens for a reason. But sometimes the reason is that you’re stupid and you make bad decisions.
Anonymous

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
Anonymous

I don’t weigh myself because most scales don’t know how heavy all the grudges im holding onto are.
Anonymous